Dear gist with Tee, I don’t even know what to say right now after I found out what my husband did. My hands are shaking, my stomach is in knots, and I feel like l’m about to throw up. I don’t even know why l’m sharing this, maybe just to get it out of my system. I feel like if I don’t, I’m going to lose my mind.
I have been married to my husband for six years considering that we met in our mid-20s, had one of those sweet, steady relationships nothing overly dramatic or passionate, just comfortable. Safe. We were best friends, planning our future. I thought we were solid. God, I really thought we were. But apparently I’ve been an idiot.
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I found out my husband was cheating in the dumbest, most ridiculous way possible. He forgot to log out of his email. I wasn’t even snooping. I wasn’t looking for anything. I was sitting on the couch last night, half-asleep, and he was on his laptop, probably paying bills or checking sports scores or whatever. He closed it when he was done and went to bed before me, like he always does. I didn’t think twice about it.
But then, maybe an hour later, I needed to check my email. My laptop was dead, and his was sitting righ there, so l grabbed it real quick. I figured I’d just open a new tab, log in, check my package tracking, and that’d be it. Except the second I moved the mouse, the screen lit up.And there it was. An open email thread with someone named Samantha.
My stomach dropped. I don’t know why I clicked on it. Maybe I already knew, deep down. Maybe some sick part of me needed to see it with my own eyes. What I saw made my blood run cold. She had sent my husband a picture not fully naked, but enough to make me feel like the room was spinning. And his response? “God, I can’t stop thinking about the other night. I wish I was in your bed right now instead of at home.”
“At home.” With me. I felt like I was going to throw up. My ears were ringing, my face was hot, and I was just staring at those words, trying to process them. It didn’t feel real. I wanted to close the laptop, pretend I never saw it, crawl into bed next to him and go back to the life I thought I had. But I didn’t. I scrolled. And scrolled. And scrolled.
Months. Months of emails. Of meet-ups. Of “I miss you” and “I wish I could see you” and “I hate sneaking around”. And the worst part? She knew about me. She wasn’t some clueless woman who had no idea he was married. She mentioned me by name. “If you love me, why are you still there?” That last one… that one made my vision blur. If you love me, why are you still there?
I don’t even remember closing the laptop. I don’t remember getting up. The next thing I knew, I was standing at the foot of our bed, looking down at my husband while he slept so peaceful, like he hadn’t just destroyed everything we built together. I wanted to wake him up and scream in his face. I wanted to throw ice water on him, slap him, smash his goddamn laptop against the wall.
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But I didn’t. I just stood there. Because in that moment, I realized I wasn’t looking at my husband anymore. I was looking at a liar. A stranger. Someone I thought I knew, but clearly never really did. I barely slept that night. I just laid there, staring at the ceiling, feeling like I was suffocating. By the time the sun came up, I had already made my decision.
I got up, got dressed, and packed a bag. I didn’t even care if he woke up and saw me. I was done. But before I walked out the door, I went back to his laptop, pulled up his email, and typed one last message to Samantha. “You can have him.” Then I shut the laptop, grabbed my bag, and left. That was 24 hours ago. My husband has been calling but I haven’t answered his calls. I haven’t answered his texts. I don’t even know what the hell I’m supposed to do next.
